The office is a strange place where we spend most of our time. Between long meetings and broken printers, there is always something to laugh about.
Sometimes, humor is the only way to survive a Monday morning or a full inbox. It connects us through shared snacks and silent eye rolls.
This list of 99 funny quotes captures the daily life of work. They are perfect for a quick laugh with your favorite desk mate.
Meeting Madness
I survived another meeting that definitely should have been a text message.
My favorite part of the meeting is when we schedule another meeting to talk about what we didn’t do.
I’m not saying I’m bored, but I’ve started naming the dust motes floating in the conference room.
In a meeting, the person who speaks the loudest usually has the least to say.
I have a “meeting face” that hides the fact that I’m thinking about what I want for dinner.
The circle of life in an office is: meet, plan, fail, meet again.
If you want to feel productive without doing anything, just join a conference call.
My soul left my body about forty minutes into this PowerPoint presentation.
Nothing brings a team together like a shared hatred for a calendar invite.
I’m currently at a meeting to discuss why we aren’t getting our work done.
“Let’s circle back” is office-speak for “I hope we both forget this forever.”
I would like to thank the mute button for saving my career today.
I’ve reached the point where I nod my head just so people stop talking to me.
Every meeting has that one person who asks a question right when it’s about to end.
My “professional” voice is just me pretending I’m not an hour away from a nap.
Email and Communication
My inbox is a graveyard where good intentions go to die.
“As per my last email” is the corporate version of “Listen here, you little…”
I spend 10% of my time working and 90% of my time trying to find a polite way to say no.
Typing “Hope you’re having a great week” while staring at a wall of despair.
Nothing scares me more than an email with the subject line: “Do you have a minute?”
I have 4,000 unread emails and I’ve decided they are now part of my retirement plan.
I’m sorry I didn’t reply to your email; I was busy ignoring it.
My favorite hobby is hitting “Reply All” and then running away from my desk.
If an email doesn’t have an attachment, did it even happen?
I’ve mastered the art of looking busy while actually just rearranging my desktop icons.
Sending an email is just passing the ball to someone else’s court so I can sleep.
I just hit “Unsubscribe” on my entire life.
The “Undo Send” button is the only thing standing between me and unemployment.
My typing speed increases by 50% when I’m writing an angry email I’ll never send.
I put the “pro” in “procrastination” every single morning.
The Monday Struggle
Monday is the punishment we get for having fun on Saturday.
My bed and I have a very serious relationship, but my alarm clock is trying to break us up.
I need a five-day weekend twice a week.
The first five days after the weekend are always the hardest.
I’m only here so I can afford the coffee I need to survive being here.
If Monday had a face, I would definitely not buy it a coffee.
I arrive at work with 100% battery and leave with 2% and a cracked screen.
My motivation retired three years ago, but my body still shows up for the paycheck.
Morning people are the reason I keep my office door closed until noon.
I’m not grumpy; I’m just currently in a long-distance relationship with Friday.
The only thing getting me through today is the fact that it eventually has to end.
I have a “To-Do” list that has turned into a “To-Don’t” list.
My brain is currently “Out of Office,” even if my body is at the desk.
Coffee is the only coworker I actually trust.
Monday morning is a recurring nightmare that I can’t wake up from.
Office Environment and Culture
The office printer can smell fear and will jam only when you are in a rush.
I’m 90% sure the office thermostat is controlled by a ghost who loves the cold.
Someone stole my yogurt from the fridge, and now I have to start a corporate investigation.
Cubicles are just adult playpens without the fun toys.
I value our “Open Door Policy” because it makes it easier for me to leave.
The communal kitchen is where dreams of hygiene go to disappear.
My desk is a masterpiece of organized chaos and old coffee mugs.
I’ve been here for five years and I still don’t know what half of these people do.
Nothing says “professionalism” like a desk drawer full of emergency snacks.
The office plants are the only ones here who aren’t stressed out.
I like my coworkers, but I like the “Exit” sign more.
A “casual Friday” is just me wearing the jeans I’ve had since college.
We have a “team-building exercise” which is code for “unpaid awkwardness.”
My swivel chair is the only thing in this office that supports my spin.
If the Wi-Fi goes down, we all just sit here like statues in a museum.
Productivity and Deadlines
A deadline is just a suggestion that starts to get loud at 4:00 PM.
My favorite work-related activity is checking how many hours are left until I can go home.
I work hard so I can one day afford a life where I don’t have to work hard.
I am currently multitasking: I am ignoring you, checking my phone, and hating this task.
My work-life balance is just me thinking about work while I’m trying to live.
I’ve reached the level of “expert” at looking at a screen and seeing nothing.
Efficiency is finding a way to do an hour of work in eight hours.
I’m a “self-starter,” meaning I start thinking about quitting the moment I walk in.
My career path looks more like a circle in a parking lot.
Nothing motivates me like a deadline that passed ten minutes ago.
I’m in a committed relationship with my “Saved” folder.
I have the heart of a lion and the work ethic of a very sleepy cat.
I don’t need an inspirational quote; I need a nap and a raise.
My “system” for filing is just putting things in piles of varying heights.
I finish 100% of the tasks I never actually start.
The Friday Feeling
Friday at 4:59 PM is the most religious moment of my week.
I’ve already mentally checked out; my body is just here for the legal requirements.
If you see me running, it’s because it’s 5:00 PM on a Friday.
Friday is the light at the end of a very long, very beige tunnel.
I treat my Friday emails like I treat my exes: I ignore them until Monday.
My productivity on Friday is roughly the same as a rock’s.
I’m not leaving early; I’m just practicing for my future retirement.
The best coworkers are the ones who don’t ask you for anything on Friday afternoon.
Friday is the only day the “Reply All” button doesn’t bother me.
I have a plan for the weekend, and it involves not seeing any of you.
The transition from “Work Mode” to “Weekend Mode” happens the moment I see my car.
Nothing beats the feeling of closing thirty tabs at the end of the week.
General Office Wisdom
Experience is what you get when you didn’t get what you actually wanted.
To err is human; to blame it on a computer glitch is professional.
Your secret is safe with me and everyone I talk to at the water cooler.
A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer.
The more important the document, the more likely you are to spill coffee on it.
I don’t mind coming to work; it’s the eight-hour wait to leave that I hate.
Success is just going from one coffee break to the next without getting caught.
If at first you don’t succeed, try doing it the way your boss told you to.
The road to success is always under construction and usually has a detour.
Never trust a coworker who doesn’t have at least one weird hobby.
Hard work never killed anyone, but why take the risk?
My favorite office equipment is the elevator because it takes me away from here.